Career Or Children? Which Should You Choose?
I first wrote this on my old joint blog a couple of years ago. My life has changed a lot since then – but this is still an important topic that I want to talk about. Parts of this will be the same. But I have also updated it in order for me to share it now. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below or message me over on Instagram.
Throughout my time in education I was so often asked about future career plans and the prospect of starting a family – and this is often asked in the form of making a choice. Will I pursue a career, or will I start a family? It never seemed to be offered as a joint package.
So, let’s talk about that. Personally, do I want a career, or do I want children? The answer…
BOTH!!!!
If you want to just have a career and no children, go ahead, it’s your life. If you want to be a stay-at-home Mother, go ahead, it’s your life. Or if you want both a career and children, then bloody go ahead!
No one has the right to decide what you do with your life. No one has the right to tell you that if you have children then you’ve “ruined your career”. That’s just utter shit. It’s up to you to decide what you’re capable of doing, no one else.
I know that men can also decide to be stay-at-home Dad’s, and that there is a massive stigma about that. But this isn’t really my area of expertise. So, if anyone out there is interested in writing a future guest post about the stigma of stay-at-home Dad’s or anything around that topic – then please get in touch! I’d love to hear from you.
Personal Feelings
I think that this topic is important to me because, as a woman, I’ve grown up being told what I should look like and what I should do. And I’m just not about that. I was also told recently by a man that he believes that I should have already had children by now and wouldn’t be successful in running my own business. When I said that I was 22 and my life mattered with or without children – he disagreed. This definitely struck a chord with me. I know that there are still people who believe that a woman belongs at home and is incapable of anything else. However, I didn’t expect to be basically told that at 22 I was already wasting my time trying to forge a career because I should already have had children.
Having a career and being a mother are two major experiences things in life. So why can’t us women have both? I think the answer to this is because the strength of women is still underestimated. We’re still seen as the weaker sex who was made for having children and then staying home to take care of them and the home. But if we are able and want to continue with our careers, why can’t we? There’s still the negativity that “but the mother will miss her children too much while she’s at work and not be able to do her job properly” …Well my question is, don’t father’s miss their children when they’re at work too?
I recently watched a video where a Professor of Psychology “explains why society needs to rethink our relative valuation of career versus motherhood” (click here to watch the full video 1). From the comments I could see a range of opinions – some agreeing, some being neutral and some completely disagreeing. The video is only about 3 minutes long, so I’m sure he would have more to say and discuss if he was given more time.
Personally, for me, I felt that he was just repeating the usual out-dated opinion of women. The part that stuck out to me most was when he mentioned “the 4 fundamentals of life”. One of those fundamentals was children and another was a career. In his words “if you miss out on one of these; you’ll pay for it!” And this is where my biggest problem lies!
As I mentioned at the beginning – there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mother and equally there is nothing wrong with not having children. Not only do some women not want children; there are so many reasons that some women can’t have children! Those “fundamentals” suggest that your life is almost a bit worthless if you don’t have children. Those that are unable to have children (and wish to) have been through enough without someone telling them that they therefore won’t ever live a fulfilled life because they don’t have children!!
And you can say the same about stay-at-home mothers. Just because they don’t want a “proper” job doesn’t mean that their life is going to be any less fulfilled. It’s likely that they have more time for hobbies – which the video states “could be something fulfilling”.
To sum up – I think that the video missed so many points!
Heterosexuality Isn’t The Only Thing In This World
Another important point about “women should stay at home and men should go to work” that isn’t usually high-up in the discussion is that that scene only works for heterosexual couples. We’re in 2020 and we’re still not talking about how heterosexuality isn’t the only thing in this world?🙄
Single Mothers
Let’s also give a shout-out to the mothers who have no choice but to go to work and be a mother! There’s already such a negativity around single mothers without making them feel bad for “choosing work over their children” or whatever other rubbish has been spouted. For these parents who have no choice but to work, being able to make a choice like this would be a luxury.
Career Expiry Date?
The final point that I want to discuss is the suggestion that if you do decide to have children then you can’t pursue a career. Since when did pursuing a career have an expiry date? If you decide that you want to be a stay-at-home mother, then as mentioned that is more than okay! But what if when your children grow up and move out you want to go back into the world of work? I know a few mother’s who have done this, and they’ve loved it! They feel like they’ve been able to experience the best of both worlds. So, why is it that career and children are still pitted against each other like it’s a competition?
We should be encouraging women to do what they want with their lives; as it is their lives and no one else’s.
Amazing Working Mothers
To finish this post I thought I would make a list of some of the working mothers who are showing just how it can be done and putting a middle finger up to those who say that women can’t/shouldn’t!! This isn’t an exhaustive list – otherwise this post would go on forever😂
Jacinda Ardern
Beyonce Knowles
Michelle Obama
Serena Williams
Mindy Kaling
Can you think of anymore? Let me know in the comments
Also check out my “8 Women Who Inspire Me” post as my mother and Rach are two women that I know that chose to be a mother and continue their career🧡
So, to sum up – you don’t have to choose between being a mother and having a career! What you choose to do is completely up to you! No one gets to define your success besides you. Whatever makes you feel successful is what makes you successful. It’s your life and you need to live it how you want to!
I hope that this post didn’t just sound like a rant😂
Please let me know your thoughts and opinions in the comments or over on Instagram – I’d love to hear from you! Even if you disagree or have another take on this – let’s chat.
Cerys x
